Of course, these people aren’t really privy to the reasons that their words bug us so much, seeing as they have no clue what we authors go through.
So to all you non-writers out there, here are some things you should never do in front of or say to any author . . .
And, of course, this post is meant to be funny . . . for the most part. *wink wink*
“Can I just borrow this and bring it back to you?” asks while grabbing one of the copies of our books from our mantel
By all means go ahead and just read it for free. It’s no big deal. I mean, I don’t really need the royaltis to feed my children or pay my bills. It’s true that I spent all those years working my butt off just so people could read it for free so . . . Oh and by the way, how about you give me your paychecks for the next four years.
Wait, you mean you wouldn’t do that? You wouldn’t work for free or for someone else to get the money? Then why do you expect me to?
“I can’t wait to read it and then lend it to all my friends.”
Yes, because that’s what we want you to do LEND it, instead of just tell them how wonderful it is and they should buy it.
Did I mention that I love working for free?
Because if I haven’t, I will now.
“But I’m your friend. Can’t you just give me a copy?”
Uh, but I’m your friend. You can’t spend three freakin’ dollars to support me? Oh, and don’t mind me while I punch you in the face and kick our friendship to the curb.
“Oh, I totally forgot about your book.” Laughs. “I still need to get a copy and read it.” says this more than a year after the novel released.
Gee. Thanks. I guess. Oh, and don’t be surprised if I forget anything and everything that is ever important to you . . . like . . . say . . . your phone number or the fact that you exist.
“Aww, it’s great that you have a hobby.” or “It’s just a hobby, it’s not that important.”
Please excuse me while I leave the room and scream thousands of colorful metaphors into a pillow so I don’t “accidentally” stab you in the eye with a fork.
“People love my blog, I could totally write a book.”
Yeah, because writing a blog is totally the same as flawlessly plotting a full length novel, building an amazing and interesting world, creating pop-off-the-page, noteworthy character and story arches, and perfecting details and dialogue.
“I should write a book. I’ve got so many best sellers in my mind.”
Yes, because becoming the next J.K Rowling, Nicholas Sparks, or Stephanie Meyer happens every day and writing a best seller is just that easy. I guess I’m just doing something wrong.
“You write romance novels? Oh, so your stories are just nothing but smut.” scrunches nose like they just smelled something rotten. “You and 50 Shades of Grey are what’s wrong with the world.”
For the record, my stories are sweet and actually have a story to them, but I guess you’d know that if you bought the darn book.
“I hate to read.”
Huh. That’s odd. When you say “hate” I hear the words “slap me”. It’s so weird.
“Does your husband help you with those love scenes?”
Not that it’s any of your business, but no. But I do know how I’m going to kill off my next character that I’m going to base off of our friendship.
“Oh, you should write this idea. You know, because it’s something that hasn’t been done before.” after hearing the idea, you can think of 20 novels just like it.
How about you take your stupid book idea and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
“Are you still trying to write?”
Trying? WTF … I’ve published 6 books. Yeah, I’m still trying.
Well, since you all want to read my novels for free, then how could I be rich?
I mean, I’m not making anything if you get it for free. But since you asked . . . wait, care to tell me how much you paychecks are? No? Well then don’t ask about mine.
“Well, since you’re a published writer, I can’t talk to you anymore because you’ll correct my grammar.”
Thanks for making the task of cutting you from my life that much easier.
And the best of all . . .
You have a friend who has been pretty supportive, but still makes hints about wanting to get your books for free.
Because of their past support, you add them to your street team, thinking that this is a good way to keep them supporting you, but now you can really give them free books and what do they do?
They leave the street team.