Of course, these people aren’t really privy to the reasons that their words bug us so much, seeing as they have no clue what we authors go through.
So to all you non-writers out there, here are some things you should never do in front of or say to any author . . .
And, of course, this post is meant to be funny . . . for the most part. *wink wink*
By all means go ahead and just read it for free. It’s no big deal. I mean, I don’t really need the royaltis to feed my children or pay my bills. It’s true that I spent all those years working my butt off just so people could read it for free so . . . Oh and by the way, how about you give me your paychecks for the next four years. Wait, you mean you wouldn’t do that? You wouldn’t work for free or for someone else to get the money? Then why do you expect me to?
Yes, because that’s what we want you to do LEND it, instead of just tell them how wonderful it is and they should buy it. Did I mention that I love working for free? Because if I haven’t, I will now.
“But I’m your friend. Can’t you just give me a copy?”
Uh, but I’m your friend. You can’t spend three freakin’ dollars to support me? Oh, and don’t mind me while I punch you in the face and kick our friendship to the curb.
Gee. Thanks. I guess. Oh, and don’t be surprised if I forget anything and everything that is ever important to you . . . like . . . say . . . your phone number or the fact that you exist.
“Aww, it’s great that you have a hobby.” or “It’s just a hobby, it’s not that important.”
Please excuse me while I leave the room and scream thousands of colorful metaphors into a pillow so I don’t “accidentally” stab you in the eye with a fork.
Yeah, because writing a blog is totally the same as flawlessly plotting a full length novel, creating amazing and noteworthy character and story arches, and perfecting details and dialogue. *eyeroll*
“I should write a book. I’ve got so many best sellers in my mind.”
Yes, because becoming the next J.K Rowling, Nicholas Sparks, or Stephanie Meyer happens every day and writing a best seller is just that easy. I guess I’m just doing something wrong.
“You write romance novels? Oh, so your stories are just nothing but smut.” scrunches nose like they just smelled something rotten. “You and 50 Shades of Grey are what’s wrong with the world.”
Well, thanks for lumping me in with all romance novels and stereotyping me all in the same comment. For the record, my stories are sweet and actually have a story to them, but I guess you’d know that if you bought the darn book.
“I hate to read.”
Huh. That’s odd. When you say “hate” I hear the words “slap me”. It’s so weird.
“Does your husband help you with those love scenes?”
Not that it’s any of your business, but no. But I do know how I’m going to kill off my next character that I’m going to base off of our friendship.
How about you take your stupid book idea and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
“Are you still trying to write?”
Trying? WTF … I’ve published 6 books. Yeah, I’m still trying.
“Oh, I could write a book, it would be easy.” insert stupid as hell title. or “One of these days I’m going to take a month off and write a book, too!”
Even Nicholas Sparks can’t write a book a month you idiot. First books take anywhere from 3-4 years and if you think you can do it faster because you’re special and that gifted . . . again it’s people like you who are filling Amazon with badly self-published books.
“You must be making a lot of money.” or “How much do you make, you must be rich.”
Well, since you all want to read my novels for free, then how could I be rich? I mean, I’m not making anything if you get it for free. But since you asked . . . wait, care to tell me how much you paychecks are? No? Well then don’t ask about mine.
Thanks for making the task of cutting you from my life that much easier.
And the best of all . . .
You have a friend who has been pretty supportive, but still makes hints about wanting to get your books for free. Because of their past support, you add them to your street team, thinking that this is a good way to keep them supporting you, but now you can really give them free books and what do they do?
They leave the street team.