Life as a Mom

It’s okay for you to feel this way #hysterectomy #mom #mommy #mommyblogger

For those who don’t know, in December of 2015, I had a hysterectomy. First and foremost, I know the controversy that follows such a procedure. I’ve read articles from that group of people who are against them. How they believe that women should just live with the pain for the sake of keeping their body part.

Live with the pain. We should just live with the pain. *eyeroll*

I don’t regret my choice for my surgery. In fact, it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I have my life back. I have my body back. I have ME back.

But back to my point . . .

Up until a few weeks ago I was apart of a Facebook support group for women who’ve had a hysterectomy. When I joined this group, everything was fine and great, all the women were helpful and full of kindness and support.

giphyAnd then it happened.

One woman who had a hysterectomy before she was able to have a child posted a big rant, attacking another woman for asking how long she should have her parents stay with her to help her with her small children. The attacker screamed and yelled in all CAPS about how since she couldn’t have children, she was offended by all the posts from women that mentioned their children. How dare we talk about children around her!

After this one woman’s rant, I noticed that the rules for the group began to change. Women were no longer allowed to post about children or even mention them without having a “warning” first in the post.

Okay, I can understand that. I can live with that. I know children or a lack thereof could be a hot topic.

But then it happened again and again and again. And with every whining rant, more and more rules were placed upon what you could post, until it felt like no one could post anything without the worry if they were “following the rules.” You could almost feel the tension from the computer screen.

It got so bad that finally, I just walked away and left the group.

In leaving that group, I started doing some digging around on the subject. Digging that opened my eyes up to a very real problem.

While the loss of the ability to have a child is heartbreaking, there is another side to this coin. A side that gets pushed under the rug because for the simple fact that it could offend someone. It’s not spoken about in articles or allowed in posts in any support groups.

How-to-Lose-a-Guy-in-10-Days-quotes-2In asking why this side isn’t allowed, I was told that it’s because that side doesn’t matter. Our struggles aren’t real like that of someone wanting something they can’t have.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the pain. I understand that it must be utterly devastating for women to deal with such a loss. My heart goes out to them. I respect their sorrow and I wish I could help them through it in some way, even the people I don’t know.

With that said, what is this other side?

The women who are happy that they won’t ever have to worry about another pregnancy ever again. The women who were done with having children and don’t want any more.

They don’t WANT anymore? *GASP* But that’s just . . . just wrong, isn’t it?

Why? Why is it wrong?

A woman should be able to say she is done with having kids just as much as a woman should be able to say she’s not done. Period. End of story. And if you are one of those women who doesn’t want any more children, you shouldn’t be ashamed to say it.

I am one of those women.

I love my children to the moon and back and believe me when I say my life wouldn’t be complete without them. But just because I love them that much, doesn’t mean I want or should want to have any more.

I’m done having children.

There. I said it.

And I think that saying it should be totally fine. I don’t think it should discount me for needing, wanting, or getting support and I don’t think saying that should void my ability to express an opinion, or ask a question, or post about my experience in case it might help another who is like me.

We are all living different lives and we all need help in different ways. Why stifle anyone from helping another? This culture of “I’m offended so you need to hush up” needs to stop.

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15 thoughts on “It’s okay for you to feel this way #hysterectomy #mom #mommy #mommyblogger

  1. Love this. I had a hysterectomy last October for different reasons & yeah best thing I’ve done. As a family we’ve suffered loss, miscarriages, accidents, illness etc. but there’s still joy. Stop personalising everything, if you don’t want to be upset by these things stay off the net and don’t go outside your house. Why can’t people be happy for others?

    1. My surgery was because of several growing fibroids, severe pain, and heavy periods. I’d suffered for so many years and I can’t even tell you the relief I have had over the last 6 months. Best thing I’ve ever done. Thank you for stopping by!

      1. I had post menopausal bleeding due to a particular type of polyp which has a high rate of returning and becoming cancerous. As a breast cancer survivor & also its treatment I’m at a higher risk of both uterine & ovarian cancer, so out it all came.

  2. After two miscarriages I had, my youngest sister had a baby. All of us went to the hospital with her and she had this beautiful baby. I drove home and I cried and cried and cried. I wanted my babies back or a baby… I was empty and desolate. My mom came over and held me while I cried. After a while, I dried my tears and sniffed a little…but it was ok. I knew that things would work out when they worked out.

    My oldest sister had also had miscarriages, and during this same time she also felt the pain of not having her baby to cuddle too. Her reaction was different than mine. She didn’t want to hear about the baby. Didn’t want to see the baby and was angry that everyone was talking about it. She was also angry at the youngest sister for having a baby, when she did not!

    Two very different views upon the exact same topic. Eventually, we both went on to have three beautiful children each. I had forgotten how angry and hurt my oldest sister was. Fortunately my mom said, There is nothing you can do about it, and I’m not going to take joy from one of my kids at this time so another of my kids won’t hurt. Life IS hurt sometimes, but we all have to deal with it.

    I’m glad my mom didn’t make us NOT talk about our brand new nephew, or take that happiness from our little sister so our oldest sister would be less angry. Perhaps more folks in life should be that way. We can’t force a person to give up their joy and experiences just because someone else has not had that same experience.

    I really like this post. So many things to think about. A good conversational topic; one you can see from all sides and all different viewpoints, and what is the bottom line? How do you moderate a forum like that. Do you side with the one or two ranters against everyone else, or do you let the one or two ranters know that you understand but let them know that even though they are hurting it is not acceptable for the rest of the forum to cater specifically to them in anything they choose to say.

    1. Thank you for your story! My heart goes out to you and your sister for the losses you faced. I, too, have faced one. I’m sure your younger sister also went through hurt and pain. The pain of knowing she was hurting her sisters. I’m of the mindset those women have every right to advice and a place to vent and a place where they might be able to find healing. But I also believe that women who chose not to have kids should have that same right. And it was getting so that on this page, only one side of the coin had rights. The admins tried to moderate it, but in doing so they ultimately silenced one side over the other. It’s like a rock and hard place.

  3. Well, this is a subject near and dear to my heart. As you probably know, my husband and I tried to have children, but it didn’t happen for us. I also had one miscarriage during that time. I wrote about it here.
    https://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/daily-prompt-the-road-less-traveled/

    This is sort of a touchy subject for me, because when I was grieving the loss of having children, I had no one. I mean NO ONE to support me. I was alone. I had my husband, but I would’ve loved the support of a woman friend.

    My family didn’t care. My husband’s family was down rude.They pretty much told me to get over it and adopt, because they didn’t think they should have to deal with my sadness. I had to remove myself from them when my husband’s brother’s girlfriend got pregnant (who also smoked pot and drank while pg). Being around pregnant women felt like it would be the death of me.

    I grieved for two years. It might have gone smoother had I had someone to support me during that time. I ended up finding an ONLINE support group for women with this issue. They were wonderful, and I truly don’t think I would’ve ever moved on had I not met people who understood my pain. The only thing was, none of them lived near me. What I would’ve given for an in-person hug, a coffee clutch or even a night out of partying just to forget for a while. But, no one in my real life cared.

    Having said that, the support group I found online was strictly for women who tried to conceive but never did. It wasn’t a hysterectomy group. If I had had a hysterectomy and had to grieve my infertility, I still would’ve gone to a strictly infertility support group, not a hysterectomy group. I did end up having a hysterectomy in my late 40’s, long after I healed from the infertility situation. If those women in the hysterectomy group were sad about not having children, then they needed to find a group for that specific issue. Having a hysterectomy comes with a wide range of reasons, and it’s not only women who wanted to keep their fertility. I was done with my fertility when I finally had mine, and there was no way I wanted to be a mom to a newborn in my late 40’s.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is, I understand why this would frustrate you so. It’s everywhere these days … rules about not hurting people’s feelings. I have a story I’m considering posting about someone’s feelings I hurt (a friend), because she thought a decision I made for my life was an insult to her! Needless to say, we are no longer friends.

    Sorry this is so long, but as I said, this is a subject that is impressed on my soul. I have one more thing to offer. This part has nothing to do with your support group, because I think those women went to the wrong place for support. It wasn’t that group’s job to comfort the infertile. In fact, someone should’ve posted a link to an infertility support group instead of making rules for everyone else.

    If anyone wants to know how to comfort someone they love going through infertility, there is a TV show that I thought portrayed it well. It’s a weird place to look, but it was Sex and the City. Miranda got pg and Charlotte found out she couldn’t have kids around the same time. Miranda held her friend as she cried. She gave Charlotte space if she couldn’t be around her during her pregnancy. As a result, it gave Charlotte the strength, understanding and support she needed to actually BE around her pregnant friend. She even threw her a baby shower.

    My (eventual) sister-in-law shouted obscenities at me for getting sad around her when she was pg. She thought I was being selfish, and that I should just get over it so I could be happy for her. If someone … anyone in our families would’ve showed us the kind of empathy and understanding we needed, we wouldn’t have had to isolate ourselves for two years.

    Again, sorry to go on, but when this subject comes up, I feel the need to speak out about it. Thanks.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story! It’s horrible that your husbands family treated you like that. I think you had every right to your emotions. Your SIL was in the wrong. I have experience on the other end. A friend went through a miscarriage and ultimately decided not to try again while I was in the middle of finding out about our second. I know it was hard for her, so I tried to not talk about it as much as possible. I talked about other things and made sure not to focus on it when she was around. Did it hurt me? No. Did it take away my joy? No. Making sure she wasn’t hurt was my top priority because of our friendship. As for the joy and such, I just shared it with other people. It’s a hard topic and I wasn’t sure about posting about it. I just think there is more than one side that deserves support.

      1. You’re right about both sides. I just wished my SIL would’ve hugged me and told me I could talk about it if I needed to. That’s all. I wasn’t even allowed to talk about it around them without getting grief on top of my grief. If she could’ve acknowledged my pain, I would’ve been able to acknowledge her joy.

        It must’ve been hard to know what to do for your friend while you were pg. I think people just need to be educated on how to handle it. If both sides are acknowledged, than both sides can be there for each other … the joy and the pain.

  4. I couldn’t have children and that’s why I waited so long to have my hysterectomy … in hopes “it” would have. I got pregnant at 43 and it was a chromosomally abnormal pregnancy — OLD eggs. Life is just life and babies are really and truly for young biologically healthy mommas — my opinion in general.

    Here’s my post about not having children, being OK and having a hysterectomy.

    https://hysterectomy4dysmenorrhea.wordpress.com/2014/09/03/what-happened-to-the-children/

    Thanks for your insightful post and sharing your feelings! 🙂

      1. You’re welcome! Hope you enjoy the journey through my blog … it’s been two years and can’t believe I’m still writing about hysterectomy stuff! 🙂

  5. Love this post ! I think I know what group you where talking about. I had also problems with that group so I left on my own accord . I had to have a hysterectomy age 29 . What I thought was me having my c section to have my baby boy landed up costing me two more ops after and about 8 pints of blood and a one night stay in Icu . Luckily I and my boy are ok. But I still today can’t get over it (6 month post operations )

    1. Thank you for stopping by today! I’m sorry you had to go through such a procedure, but I’m happy to hear that you and your son are okay. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have a choice in the matter. I did have a choice. I sat in my doctor’s office and actually asked her if we could just remove it, and was relieved beyond words when she said yes. It will be a year in December and I can’t even begin to explain how great it’s been to live without the daily pain. I had complications that we didn’t know about until she got in there, and now that they are gone, I can actually live a life. If you need to ever vent your feelings, feel free to email me. 🙂

      1. Thank you so much 🙂 you a strong awesome person ! And having a hysterectomy was for me also a good idea (didn’t have a choice ) but was a good idea 🙂 lol , when we did the 4 week check up dr had discovered that my cervix had pre cervical cancer on it . So he said we where very lucky to have it removed on time . Funny how life works out. I have 3 children though so I’m happy I have what I wanted

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