Have you ever found that the one thing you fought against with every ounce you could muster turned out to be the one thing you have needed the most?
A few years ago, and admittedly after a few drinks, I opened up the internet web browser while on the phone with a friend and typed in the words ‘Horse property for sale in Oklahoma’. The friend I was talking to had moved to Oklahoma City years before and, like any friend who moves away from everyone she knows, was hell-bent on getting someone to move out there with her. After an hour of looking around at all I had stumbled upon, I caved, and a couple of weeks later we were riding around with the Realtor.
I remember that weekend vividly. Driving all around the city looking at bad house after bad house and thinking we had just wasted a trip. They all looked so good online, and yet in person, were nothing I ever wanted to live in. Then the last night in town, while sitting on our friends back porch we found it. The ad listing for a cute house in Newcastle on eight glorious acres of pasture – perfect horse property. The house was older and needed work, but while walking through it the next day, I got an eerie vision the future. My daughter, who was nine months old and not walking, walking across the living room. That was it, I was sold. I wanted that house.
I was born in Reno, my family was in Reno, my job was in Reno, my whole life was IN RENO. Having never believed I would ever live in another city, let alone another state, moving was a huge shock to me. But in the end, however, and even in the times I miss my family and worry I have deprived my daughters of their grandparents, every time I stand inside and outside of my house and look all around me, I wonder why I took so long to move. Though, Reno is not a bad city to live in, I have flourished in Oklahoma more than I could ever believe I was capable of.
I always feared leaving Reno and yet, in leaving I completed a part of me that I didn’t even know I was lacking.
My second daughter was born on October 2nd. A healthy, happy girl weighing in at 7lbs, 12 ounces, she is the spitting image of her sister. It’s actually a tad freaky to look at their baby pictures and not know who is who. After my first daughter was born I adamantly protested she would be our first, last, and only.
No more kids. I was done with one. And the older she got, the more I didn’t want another one.
Once you finally leave the land of bottles and diapers you want to rip up your passport and never return.
I can’t deny that in the back of my mind the thought of two children was hard for me. And I wondered if I could handle it. Not that I wanted to be rid of my unborn child, but I was scared at how I would manage. Since my second daughter’s arrival, though, I’ve noticed a calmness in myself that I wasn’t expecting. It’s an overly content feeling that I don’t know if I can even explain well enough to give it the justice it deserves.
When I look at pictures of me, my husband, and daughter #1, I see a family. But I can’t help but also see a family that was missing a member. At the time I didn’t know it, but now that she is here with us, it is blatantly obvious.
We needed her. And, in the ashes of my fear over two children, I now have a complete family.